Cuddlz custom adult pacifier

Monster pacifier

Let us make one thing abundantly clear from the start of this review, I despise with a furious intensity the Cuddlz custom adult pacifier. If you were feeling charitable you might find as many redeeming features as you have thumbs, but all the other horribleness erases any positive feeling they might engender. Let us start by looking at the end most people will see:

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It is hideous! I’ve never liked the Cuddlz teddy bear/monkey/mutant logo and on this adult pacifier it looks particularly like it is wasting away inside that threateningly large nappy.

The actual shield has some mysterious blue flames on it, presuambly a reference to the manner of your death should you ingest too many of the chemicals it is made from. Steer clear and don’t allow near skin. By arse it looks like some Australian’s nightmare.

Here is where we can throw the Cuddlz adult pacifier one of its two sops, the shield is not too heavy so it might not fall out of your mouth so easily.

You this that until you see what is next. For reference, in the pictures the adult pacifiers are, left to right, an Inner-Child Nuk 5, a Baby-Pants Classic adult pacifier, and the Cuddlz adult pacifier.

 

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These pictures show the Inner-Child Nuk 5 and the Baby-Pants classic adult pacifier to be modern orthodontic designs that won’t damage your teeth with the Baby-Pants Classic adult pacifier slightly larger than the Nuk 5.

The Cuddlz adult pacifier on the other hand, appears to have a large light bulb attached where the sucky bit should be. It is wide at the base so you cannot close your mouth without serious pressure, a degree of biting power that will make sleeping impossible. Here I am trying to bite and hold the Cuddlz adult pacifier:

CHOMP! BITE HARD!

That is some fierce biting I needed to do to keep the adult pacifier in my mouth. I could not have just sucked it as the thing is like a bloody cork and I am not used to sucking things that large when forced against my will into my mouth.

I tried to suck it to keep it in, but I did not look happy with the bloody great big Cuddlz adult pacifier stuck in my mouth:

Misery Davy! Hide, it'll be over soon... Oh don't be sad, you can spit it out now...

Let us make clear the size of the plug that Cuddlz think we are supposed to lightly suck upon whilst dozing off to sleep:

Monster pacifier

This is obviously some form of joke unless Cuddlz think adult babies and littles need some training before they can start using full size ball gags. This adult pacifier is a charade of a practical dummy – it is simply impossible to use as a littler little would use their pacifier.

The second sop we can throw the Cuddlz adult pacifier is that it is cheap, only a pound more expensive than the offerings from Inner-Child – those being pacifiers that you can use as intended in comfort and with ease. Therefore, as it cannot be used it is an expensive novelty that will only be bought by people who wish to show off they have a massive end but don’t have the capacity to use it in any functional way. It is the adult baby equivalent of two fifty year old men in what they think are their coolest clothes standing next to and occasionally looking worriedly at a Jaguar E-Type that is billowing smoke out of the bonnet. They bought it to impress people only to find they are not endowed with the capabilities to give it a really good sucking.