I’m a little!

Child sweater outside Winchester's Great Hall

I have just come back from the Farnborough role-play preschool I have written about on numerous occasions and it has confirmed one thing I have been thinking about for a long time:

I am a little not an adult baby.

Now, I may wear nappies but I try to live as much in the mindset of a three year old as possible and, if nothing else, three year olds are not babies; they are toddlers or little people.

Accepting and (generally speaking) loving myself as a little is one of the greatest things I’ve achieved in my life (which did not have a very good start), and I will firmly grasp that achievement I’ve made for the rest of my life.

Being a little brings me so much gentle, uncomplicated, pure joy, and who could reasonably argue that is a shameful thing to strive for? When I build Lego with my big brother, get a cuddle from daddy or try not to fall asleep as I listen to a bedtime story I am not only filled with happiness, but also with an over-arching sense of being me. The real me. The pure essence of myself. That’s rather satisfying.

The role-play school, for ages 3-6, reminded me that littles are less self obsessed and more personable than adult babies. Adult babies often tend to hyper-fetishise their fantasies so they cannot possible involve anyone else as it would break the spell they have worked up in their minds. They are often so filled with toxic shame about their fetish they almost seem to think that any public acknowledgement that adult babies exist will somehow unmask them and bring unceasing ignominy and obloquy. This is a bit sad.

The age-players who are littles, like those I met at preschool today,  have moved on from this unfortunate state and are more comfortable with their younger side. This brings more social competence and openness. Littles are a nice bunch and the type of people who are always up for a chat or game for a laugh. You can play with littles whilst adult babies simply cannot let anyone that close.

Even though I am a gay man who is more firmly attached than it is possible to believe, it is quite nice that as a little one tends to meet more women than adult babies do. They are nice women, largely, as well. Of course, the men who are littles, even the men who dress up as women, or the men who are actually women, are largely a nice lot too. Generally speaking, littles are good, socially competent people who you can have a good time with, and that sounds like a pretty fair description of me, do you not think?

Now it is true that feeling you are an age younger than your real age is a bit different, and many are not as open as me about being little. However, hiding that you feel, to whatever degree, three only goes so far if you have truly embraced that aspect of yourself. The infectious enthusiasm, the desire for fun, the readiness to be friendly and funny that shines from any three year old, even glister if that three year old is forty – we will be making merry at your cocktail party (even if our mummies or daddies have forbade us from quenching).

Although I wonder at the reaction if I disseminate this piece to my big friends, no one seems to mind in the slightest if you are little. A few years ago I wrote a whiny piece on my big blog saying on my next birthday I had decided to be three. Not only was my readership pool undiminished but it continued to grow, and I got sent a load of cool toys, onesies and training pants by the vastly kind members of my readership pool. No one cared and if they did it was caring positively about me being happy.

Similarly, at the end of last summer I went into the local wine merchant wearing a Sonic the hedgehog t-shirt and a pair of shortalls with a dinosaur on the bib pocket:

Here's me going to meet a winemaker in the local wine shop

A New Zealand winemaker was giving a tasting of his Pinot Noir. It was good, very good, so the enthusiastic, wine loving toddler in me instantly let rip, demonstrating in a few sentences that I knew an incredible amount about wine. Then, for this winemaker everyone else in the room ceased to exist: he asked for recommendations about what to buy in the shop, producers to visit in France, wine shops and restaurants in London – he invited me to a trade tasting where he would be showing his wines in London and emailed the organiser from his phone whilst I was there to make sure I got in. He cared not that I was dressed like I had just escaped from day care; he liked the infectious, childish enthusiasm of a wine demiurge.

It’s true I wear nappies. Partly because Clozapine and diabetes have left me largely incontinent (especially at night, oh how often my sheets need washing…); but also partly because I like the feeling of comforting safety they give me and I enjoy the caring tenderness of a nappy change. I think it is ok to be a three year old with issues, they are just wee issues 😀

So as I am a little and not an adult baby it irks me somewhat that I have to lace every article on here with the keywords (in bold): adult baby, just to catch the search engines’ eyes and get me more traffic, because traffic means freebies. I wish I could litter every article with little, but then I would have a fraction of my huge and loyal readership.

And on that note, presumably having alienated most of my huge and loyal readership, I have a little poll to assay the members of my readership. I know what I’ll be answering:

I am Davy! I am a little! I am happy!

  • April Babykins

    Very astute article, I have discussed the dependency that most adult babies fantasize about with others in this scene. The reason most fail to find their “mummy” is because they need to be dependant. A three year old is different to a baby. I think most would be happier if like you they found their “little”. Take care.

    • Nice to see you on the site, April, and I’m flattered you largely agree with me. I feel the toxic shame its a big issue with AB’s. They can’t accept themselves as who they are, at whatever age, because they are so filled with shame about themselves. Give up the guilt, realise you are great just as you are and you can blossom as your happy, true self. Look after yourself, April, I hope you have the time to comment on some future article.

  • Jason Carpp

    I don’t know just how to describe myself. I’m very much an adult, I’m 41 yrs old. I’ve generally a full head of brown hair, blue eyes. I’m attracted to guys, particularly those 40 and older. I’ve many hobbies and interests, both adult and child-like. I’m certainly not an Adult Baby. I do like wearing diapers (nappies). My favourites are Molicares and Abena Abri-Form, although I would be more than willing to wear cloth nappies and plastic pants if someone were to put them on me. I like meeting meeting other people with similar interests. I guess I’m a “Little”.

    • I think my article defines what a little is and isn’t pretty clearly. To tell the truth, I’m really cuffed with this piece and am thinking about putting it on my big Facebook account. I am always honest, open and myself on FB but I have a feeling some people have a slightly wrong idea about me, even though I generally seem to be quite well liked. I wonder if this article might clear some things up. Moreover, I’m extremely proud of this site and I wouldn’t mind my big friends seeing it. Do you follow me on FB, Jason?

      • Jason Carpp

        No, I’m afraid not. I visit Facebook periodically, but I haven’t checked your page out. I’ll have to check it out.

      • You can find a link to my profile on the ‘contact’ page. Who knows, perhaps after swapping comments for so long were may find ourselves in Facebook at the same time and actually have a chat! Cripes! I’ll look forward to it…. 😉

      • Jason Carpp

        I’ll check it out. 🙂

  • Jason Carpp

    I just got done reading this article in full, and the article about the abuse you suffered when you were growing up. OMG! What kind of parents would treat their child like that? The most my dad did was to spank me on the bum with his bare hands. It hurt, but he wasn’t sadistic about it. In fact, I remember him crying when it was over and apologising to me for it.

  • ABCarl

    This is so well written Davy and agree with you. For me I have never said weather I am a toddler or baby. I know that when I am being a little/toddler I am able to socialise more with other littles.

    I am often a baby at home where I am able to regress to an age I feel comfortable with 🙂

    Being little is cool. So let’s start a new group called; Adult littles 🙂

    High five and sorry I was unable to make yesterday.

  • For the reason why I posted this article see ABJane’s excellent critique of last Saturday’s preschool: http://abjane.co.uk/2014/04/24/brat/
    It was one of the most horrible things I’ve attended made all the worse by the fact that I was looking forward to it so much. I had been pinning my good mood on a happy time at preschool and the fact that I spent all my time there feeling ill at ease and worried has reignited my depression and I feel dreadful. I don’t think I will be attending preschool in the future if it is just going to be attended by asocial AB’s whose default method of interacting it’s too be nasty to people.

    • Wow iv been thinking of visiting groups like that, to finally begin meeting others, but honestly that kind of thing happening would leave me not only feeling strange, but also out of place, I believe fully in kindness, dont get me wrong I love a bit of mischief but the kind I enjoy is playful consensual and giggling, I dont do nastiness and I dont understand it, in fact its one of the few things to push me completely out of being little and making me feel bad.

  • Since preschool was such a horrific nightmare I must work on inviting more people to my playroom…

  • Jay

    I’ve never really felt the need to define myself but I would probably say that I am an adult baby, even though I dont really know what my play age is I know I prefer to think of myself as a baby.

    I also dont have a set age, I think the oldest age I am is 18 months, I dont know why i feel that as I dont really know what an 18 month old can and can’t do, but I know they can toddle and say a few words and are at least a little bit more independent than a younger baby.

    I feel this is the youngest age I can be that still allows me to be able to toddle about and communicate with others albeit on a very basic level! however there are times I wish to be much younger, at the age where mummy can still hold me and rock me in her arms, play peek a boo and baby games with me.and bottle feed me, spoon feed me and all that silly baby stuff you bigger kids can do yourself!

    Of course some aspects of that will always be nothing more than a fantasy, I doubt very much there is anyone strong enough to hold me in their arms!
    I have actually given up on finding a partner who can accept my baby side, I’m not an awfully social person and prefer to have a close circle of friends and I feel uncomfortable going out to public places and doing what I think most guys my age do to socialise, you are more likely to find me walking in the woods or on the heaths looking for wildlife and stuff to take photos off! which is not really the kind of place you would expect to meet anyone which could develop into a relationship!

    Even if I were to ever meet someone and develop a relationship I would be to frightened of rejection when she found out about my baby persona and yes I do feel guilt and shame for being how I am, I put this down to how my dad reacted when he found my nappies and dummys when I was younger, and the general reaction of other people to those documentary’s about adult babies, or littles.

    Several of my friends, not my close friends who do know about that side of me and seem to be cool with it, although I dont think they will ever understand me fully, but as I was saying there are several people I am friends with on facebook who watched that 15 stone babies and then I saw some of the comments they put about it, it kind of hurt, no it hurt a lot!

    Then I read other peoples comments on other websites again they were all rather depressing and that leads me to believe that anyone else who is not an AB/Little whatever. will always react in a negative way so that has made me very cautious about people finding out about me.

    However I am taking Puff (Welsh dragon) Theo (teddy) Oliver (teddy) and Bryony (badger) on my holiday to Cornwall and they will be carried about fairly openly, as I did in America, where I was amazed that nobody said one bad thing about a grown man carting about a bunch cuddly toys, not one stare, not one snicker, in fact quite the opposite, the people who was on the tour with me genuinely seemed happy for em to have them and on the few occasions I left them behind at the hotel, they were disappointed I did not have them. Even the hotel cleaning staff were nice to enough to make sure they were tucked up in bed nice and comfy.

    I wonder if people will be as accepting here in my own country, guess I will find out in less than a week!

    Sorry for rambling!

    • Not very social, afraid of telling people, especially a partner, the ‘big secret, brimming over with toxic shame – yes, you are an adult baby alright!

      I’ll try to be brief. I was once very like you, but through finding and loving a partner I found on an adult baby chat room, who was also very like you, I came to love myself too. My complete self, little, big, wine expert, Lego builder, mad person, ME. I realised I had nothing to be ashamed of and I was a really nice person, especially when I was little, so I dumped the toxic shame and embraced my complete self.

      I appeared in the 15 Stone Babies and all of my real life friends who saw it were enthusiastically supportive. Whilst the program was on and a few hours afterward I got around 300 Tweets from people. Two of them were semi-coherent abuse by morons hiding behind infantile pseudonyms, that’s less than 0.7% of the feedback I got on an anonymous social network being negative.

      Everyone I meet likes me because I’m a little boy – I’m friendly, fun, funny, enthusiastic and a bit silly. No one has ever batted an eyelid or, heaven forbid, committed the enormous faux pas of commenting on me on the street or in a shop when I’ve been wearing toddler clothes. I’ll admit some matronly ladies beam big grins at me sometimes.

      My friends couldn’t give a tinkers cuss if I wear toddler clothes to wine tastings our dinner parties, our cuddle my teddy bear during such events. They like ME, why would they give a toss what I’m wearing? Their children think my partner and I (he’s six when he’s little, which is about the age of most of our friends children) are the coolest people on earth, because we are fun and games for a laugh just like them. When we lived in London we were always being asked to baby sit because we were the kids favourite babysitters.

      So if I am universally accepted, and have a wonderful, loving partner of 13 years, am universally accepted for being me, why is it that you will be universally rejected for being yourself? Why do you fear rejection so much when so few people are going to reject you (and you didn’t want to know them anyway)? Find the source of your toxic shame and come to terms with it. Accept yourself as a complete person, not one divided into a public face and a shamefully hidden you, and love all of yourself, love the core essence of yourself, be it little, big or somewhere inbetween. I promise you, if you can rid yourself of the toxic shame that makes you hide part of yourself away, and show your complete personality, which I’m sure is actually very nice, to the world, you will be completely accepted as yourself and you’ll be almost as popular as me (especially if you start a website telling people it’s ok to be themselves, even if ‘they are little).

      Lose the toxic shame, man, let your inner child out to skip down the road to the sweet shop, you won’t regret it. Seriously.

      That didn’t end up very brief, I seem to have ended up ranting, but then I don’t like AB’s very much. They are damaged goods with no social skills who haven’t made the small leap of accepting themselves. When they do that, they are usually far more social and I tend to like them.

      • Jay

        I dont think i’m such a bad person just because I want to keep some aspects of my life a secret, when I said I am not a sociable person I maybe should have used different words.

        I love having company and going out and doing stuff with my friends, but I only feel comfortable with a few select friends who I have known for almost my entire life, minus my first 7 years when I lived in Wales.

        I am more confident now that I was a few years ago, to the point where I have become vice chair of our local disability forum and have attended seminars where I have spoken to huge gatherings of people, There was one at Winchester last year (I found a little peter rabbit outside afterwards and took him home, I so wanted to reunite him with his owner so I posted him on a facebook group called teddy bear lost and found but no one ever claimed him, anyway i stood up and spoke to about 100 people that day about mental health issues and got a lot of praise for what i said, and a round of applesauce to 🙂 I felt very happified with myself, I would never have been able to do that a few years ago.

        I think my freind like me for who I am in my adult form, they think I am intelligent and funny and sometimes amusing with my random crazy outbursts! rarely we have a little joke about my AB side, like if we are shopping and happen to walk past the baby aisle, my freind might say something like oooh look they’ve got an offer on nappies here or those would last you a while, just silly stuff like that, it might be gentle teasing but I dont take it that way.

        On one or two occasions something odd has happened where a freind seems to actually see me as a child rather than an adult, like the time we were driving through the New Forest and my freind just suddenly said Ohhh look Jay, Horseys! but then he seemed as surprised as I was that he just came out with that, we had a good chuckle about it! but secretly I wish they would indulge my inner child a little more, its those little moments like I just mentioned that make my little side feel accepted.

  • After almost seven weeks of this poll being online adult babies are in third position with a quarter the votes that littles get. I realise this not a scientifically controlled sample of random age-players, but I’m pleased the overwhelming majority of readers who could be bothered to vote think along the same lines as me on this subject.

    • Davy

      As of now it’s:
      50 littles
      13 grown ups in touch with their inner child
      12 adult babies
      2 tired, old grown-ups 😉