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A decidedly difficult discussion

Long time readers of this blog will know I’m pretty ‘out’ about being an adult baby – you will also know that I have paranoid schizophrenia and see a psychiatrist every few months due to that. Because I’m relaxed I normally take Toast, my teddy bear, into the sessions ( see here ) and generally cuddle and maul him depending on how stressed I get. My psychiatrist has barely mentioned Toast and we certainly haven’t had much in the way of a ‘little’ conversation. That is about to change.

A few weeks ago I was really suicidal and let some things slip to my psychologist that I don’t usually tell medical professionals. During the session she went off to see my psychiatrist to report on my unfortunate mental state and, presumably, the rather different things I didn’t mean to say. My psychologist has also hinted that me turning up to the sessions in toddler clothes (see the picture below for how I was more moderately dressed for a recent session) and holding/cuddling/appreciating Toast is a bit too much of a ‘safety behaviour’ for what we have been trying to achieve. A lot will get told to my psychiatrist before I see him next. This will make him want to ask me some things.

Child sweater outside Winchester's Great Hall

Consequently, I’m going to have to explain everything . Starting with how sexual abuse at the age of three made me hate myself and not want to grow up and be a bad big person. Then how extreme, random violence directed toward me from the age of four, coupled with living in an emotionally barren and deeply frightening home environment, added to those feelings. It you goes on: my body has revolted me since puberty. Moreover, sex and sexual thoughts are seriously disturbing, hateful and alien to me.

Of course, the way I have battled these demons, starting at the age of three, is to regress and be little. Thus days I love as a three year old much of the time. I wear toddler clothes and nappies almost always, even in public. I, Toast the teddy is with me all the time,  as is (more often than not ) a pacifier. I don’t want to be grown up if I can help it.

Now whilst I don’t want to have paranoid schizophrenia and I’m far from ecstatic about the events that shaped my personality, I’m generally happy with who I am. I really like being a toddler as part of my normal life – I’m fine being three and have no problems explaining to people that’s who I am. However,  when one has to explain all that damage, those neuroses and my idiosyncratic way of dealing with it all to a bloody psychiatrist they are… erm… going to have views on how balanced and together one is as a person.

I’m perfectly capable of explaining that being a little is a reasonable, safe and good thing to be that doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s life or impede mine, but what the hell is he going to make of all of that when he comes to consider my ongoing treatment? There’s a big bag of shit associated with my past before I got Ok with being myself, he’s going to look at that and I cannot imagine what conclusions he will draw.

My solace comes from the fact that he’s a great, understanding doctor, of a type I’ve never had before, who has always tried to help. I rather hope he will refer me for some psychodynamic type therapy to help me deal with my ongoing emotional difficulties associated with my appalling childhood. Yet, even though I don’t feel bad about being an adult baby, I still feel that is going to be one hell of an intense conversation to have with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I’ll be majorly glad Toast will be with me for many cuddles and much fondling!


In case you are interested, this is an expanded version of something I published on my new Tumblr page . I’ll generally use it for posting pictures, which will then get copied to my Facebook page and Twitter account . If you don’t follow either of those you might consider dropping by the Tumblr page to keep up with my latest pictures and others that have caught my eye.

  • Tommy_In_Salem_New_Hampshire

    Hello Davy,

    You have spoken here about many of the things I myself internally deal with as an Adult Baby, who was born with Mild Autism & Mild Cerebral Palsy, both lifelong disabilities.

    My own childhood experiences are similar, except in the details.

    My own Mother was severely mentally-ill & psychotic.

    Sitting here, ~ 3,000 miles west of you, I myself have terrible severe childhood abuse & neglect memories, including 1 time, when my Dad had to tear my Mom “off of me”, to “save my life”, when I was age 11, to stop her from violently “beating me to death” in front of the Christmas Tree.

    Before my youngest brother was born, I also remember being “securely tied down” onto my “potty chair” unable to free myself to go play for very long periods of time to ruthlessly make me “clean & dry” & never again wear diapers.

    Anyway, it is very hard for me to admit that I am a “survivor” of severe childhood abuse & neglect.

    “Woody”

    Even I hate my “adult” body, & I only want to stay “little”. I do not like sex either & do not ever want it.

  • http://toddlerism.com/ Toddler Davy

    Woody old chap, with those experiences I quite understand what lead you to seek the comfort of being an adult baby – it helps doesn’t it?

    For most of my life memories of my childhood were simply inaccessible to me as they were too horrible for me to deal with. Now I’m more comfortable with the person I am I’ve had the strength to examine what my childhood was like and I would certainly say I’m a ‘survivor of childhood abuse’. I’m so sorry you had to experience such horrors too.

    By the way, many thanks for your continued support of this site; it’s really nice that you come here regularly and go to the effort of leaving comments. I appreciate your interest :D

  • Tommy_In_Salem_New_Hampshire

    Hello Davy,

    My memories of childhood are a “mixed bag”. Some good memories, & other memories of my mentally-ill Mom “totally out of control”. She mentally “disintegrated” before me, my youngest brother, & my Dad, in the years after my “other” younger brother, “David” passed-away suddenly “in her arms @ home” @ age 22 months. He was born with a congenital cardiac birth defect, that the world-famous Boston Children’s Hospital in Massachusetts could not surgically repair @ that time in 1961.

    Davy, all I remember of that day, when I was only 3 years old, is the screams & wails of my Mom clutching my dead younger brother, & being woken up from my afternoon nap & standing there in my footed sleeper & pee-pee flooded cotton-lined plastic “training pants”, & hearing sirens & flashing blue & red lights outside & seeing strange men in blue uniforms, some wearing guns coming into the house trailer where I lived @ that time in my life.

    That was the “trigger” for my Mom’s decline into madness, & perhaps, the initial trigger for me eventually becoming an Adult Baby.

    Anyway, I need to put myself down for a nap with my Sesame Street “Elmo” friend. We can discuss this further…

    Woody

  • angelhime

    :( The idea of you ever being suicidal is a million times sad making. You are too adorable for all that kind of sadness (not that non-adorable people should have to experience it either). Do you have things which – idk how to put it, I guess “full stop” the urges? When I’m like that, I cuddle kitties, allergies be damned. I think I scare the kitties, because they don’t understand why I’m upset and crying, but to be quite honest, I don’t understand why I’m upset and crying either, but it’s so nice to cuddle soft kitties… and the purring is incredibly relaxing. If I had a mobile phone, I’d set the tone to be a loud calming purr.

    If all else fails, I quickly locate myself around people, even if they want me to go away. I just get too scared to be alone, because I don’t know what I may do if I am alone.

  • http://toddlerism.com/ Toddler Davy

    Hello angelhime,
    Sadly, if you have paranoid schizophrenia, it’s likely you are going to be suicidal from time to time. I am far less so than I used to be when I would end up in the looney bin about once a month I would be so close to topping myself. These days things are better because my life is generally more fun and enjoyable. Also, I have learnt a new of ‘grounding techniques’ in my recent batch of psychotherapy which usually enable me to shake out of heightened emotional situations. I explained one of these grounding techniques, Gottman’s Tasks, quite amusingly on my professional blog.
    I hope we can both manage to avoid feeling suicidal and generally getting that unhappy. Feeling suicidal is one of the most difficult feelings I’ve ever had to deal with, and sadly I’ve had to deal with it awfully frequently (and not deal with it successfully all the time), and I really would rather it doesn’t happen too often again in the future.