Feeling better

I’ve been ill for a few days, and I don’t deal with being ill very well. Indeed, today it seems to have got to me so much that I’ve had rather a disturbed mental state. I’ve constantly been paranoid and felt that something nasty is about to happen to me and this has made me quite unhappy and scared all day. It’s a drag having a mental illness at times.

To help me feel better daddy took me to a relaxed place for lunch and then we went to the toy shop to buy something so we could do something fun together. He got me this Lego dinosaur:


It was fun building it with him, he helped me with the fiddly bits, and then we played with it and some other toys for a while. Sadly I was still feeling ill at ease and drained by a day of being scared of psychotic experiences, so I asked daddy if I could have little lie down.

Daddy put me in a fresh nappy and helped me into my new pyjamas:

My new pyjamas from Cuddlz

The pyjamas are soft, comfortable and cute, but as I was in bed with Toast the teddy I didn’t feel all that comfortable; I felt harassed by things I didn’t understand and I didn’t know if they were really true or there. Then Kisu the cat jumped up onto the end of the bed.

It's Kisu the cat

He sniffed my feet, walked up my back and stepped off my shoulder onto my pillow. He obviously liked being so close to me as he started purring and curled up on my pillow right next to me. I put my arm around him to give him a cuddle and gave him a bit of a stroke. He rested his chin on my arm and quickly fell asleep.

I know Kisu was asleep because he snores – quite loudly, but in a very funny, cute manner. With the cat cuddled up asleep by my head with my arm around him I found myself relaxing quite a lot. It must have been less than ten minutes before I fell asleep.

Four hours later I woke from dreams of stroking the cat whilst watching cricket, far nicer than last night’s warped dreams of terror, to find the cat had adjusted his position to rest his head against my forehead. My nappy was also swollen and soaked (but hadn’t leaked! Hooray!); I was comfortable and had slept deeply and restfully.

I’m still not feeling entirely brilliant, a bout of insanity doesn’t go that easily and I’ll have a couple of days yet before I’m OK, but being a little boy cuddled up asleep with his lovely cat, in cute pyjamas and a nappy, lifted a lot of the fear and tension out of the atmosphere.

Soon after I woke up daddy came into bed (and the cat ran off, but that was ok) and gave me cuddles, tenderly changed my nappy and promised me that I’d feel all right soon. With the help of daddy and Kisu the cat I did feel a lot better – I am so pleased they were there to help and pleased I could appreciate their help. Perhaps I’m not as bonkers as I used to be…

  • April Babykins

    Glad you are feeling better, myself going back to work after two weeks holiday of not really achieving anything has really depressed me again. It only took ten minutes of walking down the corridor and I was utterly down. Seriously thinking of going back to the GP. You at least are lucky that you have someone who looks after you. When you need it.
    I have a couple of neighbours who enquire how I am doing, and I think they genuinly care, but it isn’t the same as someone who is in your life. That Davy makes you very lucky. And I hope keeps the darkness away. Take care.

  • Thanks, April. I know I am very lucky to have Dani in my life. I met him in 2001 and, whilst he didn’t instantly become my daddy, he kept me alive. Back then I was in the loony bin most of the time and making very frequent suicide attempts. Knowing Dani has slowly helped me get into a better state. I love him so much and I always will.

  • This current batch of insanity has been caused by trying to lower my dose of antipsychotics about seven weeks ago. Daddy says I’ve been getting more quiet, distant and withdrawn over the past few weeks. Currently I am psychotic, paranoid, confused and extremely unhappy. I’ll go and see the doctor and get my dose increased again. Keep taking the tablets…